Lord Peter Wimsy and Life Choices

I had an interesting conversation with Woman of Balance yesterday about our life choices and priorities. A repetitive theme in a modern woman’s life is the dichotomy between choosing a ‘public’ career vs. living a ‘private’ life as a stay at home mom. Our culture values certain careers over others. “Wife and mother” is not as prestigious as “Doctor” or “Lawyer.” Somehow, the one profession has to diminish the other.

It reminds me of the central argument in Gaudy Night by Dorothy Sayers. Ms. Vane has been pursued by the inimitable Lord Peter Wimsy for several years and faces a difficult dilemma. Does marriage diminish independence, intelligence, and ambition? At a college reunion she meets an old school friend who was respected as a woman of great insight and scholarship—who married a farmer and no longer has the same edge. “I was once a scholar” she remarks, dispiritedly.

Scholars are those people fired with a thirst for knowledge. Seeking the truth is not just a philosophic exercise – it is the passion that drives all their actions- the prime mover to their stars and other spheres. Even if the truth is damaging, it must be brought to light. In some way, we all have an element of this drive. For some, knowledge and scholarship. Others have a genius for music. Another person might be gifted with communicating. Another for service and entertaining. We all are called to certain ‘jobs’ – activities that give us the deepest satisfaction and to which we give our last gasping breath of loyalty.

Eric Liddle put it this way in Chariots of Fire: “God made me for China…but he also made me fast. And when I run, I feel his pleasure.”

Both my parents are musicians and wonderful teachers, although we soon learned that they could not teach me effectively. Music is their passion. Second best from a daughter would not be tolerated. I remember my Dad telling me to “Do…or do not.” There’s no point in “trying” to play a piece well. You either play it well, or you don’t. And if you don’t, you keep working at it until you can play it well. Looking back, I can recognize and love this passion – I know the difference between playing a Bach prelude half-assed and playing it spot on. (Every note, slur, staccato, and diminuendo has a meaning and taken as a whole can change the entire argument of the piece! Yes…and when you’ve got it right, you feel like angels are singing and you are “God on the seventh day”.)

So…if we all have a job that is so crushingly important…how do you combine it with life’s other roles and responsibilities? What do you do when you are blessed with both a heart and a brain? When you want to love someone and have a family…but it could be ‘detrimental’ to your calling? Is there a way to reconcile it?

If you are a musician, for example, and you desire a career in music and performance…how do you reconcile that with the responsibilities of being a wife and mother? So much of you is being used up—your candle is burning at both ends. How do you choose?

My own career ambitions of being Vice President or Dean something-or-another have somewhat cooled since being thrust into a position of Executive Director several years ago. The tempestuous demands of this job spilled into the quiet pools of my private life and made me feel as if I existed somewhere in the 5th circle of hell.

However, I am happy when I am working around people I can respect and I can contribute toward a good mission. I feel like I am in a position to make a difference while working at a community college. Especially on a personal level. Colleges and Universities are bastions of liberal and irreligious thought. But for every professor who is teaching a mucked up version of truth, beauty, and goodness, there are 10 students searching for answers. Where else could a (somewhat) intellectual Christian be so subversive to popular liberal doctrine? I enjoy teaching and advising…and the old gray matter hasn’t ruled out the possibility of moving up the ranks in the administration or getting a second Masters so that I can teach a subject other than “How to not Suck at College” – otherwise known as “Student Development.” (History, Art History, Music, English…LOGIC! Those would be worth-while subjects… And I could assign readings in C.S. Lewis—ha! Take that…political correctness!)

Um…anyway…moving on from private fantasy…

Sayers’ answer about the balance between desires, priorities, callings, roles, and relationships…is that you really don’t know what is of “overmastering importance until it has overmastered you.” You find something or someone that you can’t let go. You can’t walk away. When you find two such things of extreme import, you make a delicate balance. It’s a difficult tightrope – especially for those who are mothers, students, directors, etc…but you do it. It is the activities that you can drop and be content with second-rate quality that fall by the wayside. You find your job, your calling, your direction by learning what things have power over you.

I faced a similar decision while sitting alone in my apartment the summer after I graduated, and I realized how hollow life felt without Ben. I knew I was free to move away and pursue a high-profile job elsewhere…but it wouldn’t be as satisfying without him. Being with him was more important than landing a high-profile position right out of grad school. I imagine there are many such decisions that we all have to make.

Critics will shout “giving up opportunities!” “Marriage is a trap for aspiring young women!” But in the end, I don’t find my career or any other part of my life diminished. "Regret" marrying my best friend, confidante, hero, and pickle-jar opener? What is there to regret? Marriage has been the single most liberating aspect of my life. What I do find difficult is not judging others for their decisions. (Um…can anyone say “Jo” and “Laurie” from Little Women…why did she run off and marry some old German Enlightenist dude when her fun, best friend wanted to take her to London?...) Because different things have overmastering importance to us.

I don’t know what God has placed on your heart to lead to you make your decisions…but I pray it is something that gives you delight and joy. You feel God’s pleasure when you teach, or sing, or play violin, or make dinner for your husband, or help a student, or look at your children, or feel your baby kicking. We all have a delicate balance…but by God’s grace while walking the tight rope, may you find yourself overwhelmed with the joy of living out God’s plan for your life...may his plan have ultimate mastery in all our lives.

10 Weeks To Go!

I've got 10 weeks before my little boy arrives, and it's sent me into a flurry of activity.  I don't nearly feel ready, and I'm trying to budget out all the activities I want to get done while leaving myself a little buffer in case he decides to come early.  I'm quite clear on the things I want to get done around the house - purge and organize every inch!!!

A while ago I registered because my mother-in-law and future sister-in-law are throwing me a shower, and I must say the whole registering experience was a bit overwhelming.  As consumers we are barraged by this constant stream of "must haves," but I know so much of it is totally and entirely unnecessary.  It was fascinating to see what other mothers were registering for (or not).  I am aiming to be savvy and frugal with the things we buy for baby, and I'd like to do things that we can continue to use for future children, which is why the colors I wound up leaning towards were creams and sages and natural things instead of "gender-oriented" colors.  I didn't go the route of a crib set since I think they seem like a ripoff, and I'd rather be able to mix and match sheets and blankets, especially so that I have greater flexibility with the items I sew for the nursery.  I'm also using remnants, sale, and old scrap fabrics to make my cloth wipes, and some sheets from my old king-sized bed (that is no more) will be turned into crib sheets and changing pad covers.


As I get closer to the end of my pregnancy and more things are falling into place, it had me thinking today that I would love to hear from some moms out there as to what were a few items you felt were absolutely indispensable for the care of your newborn?  What were a few things that you thought you'd use but never did?  What was something you wish you had purchased?